Today I shared with my co-worker how God prepared me for my dad’s death and enabled me to mourn many years later. It was great to share this experience and to look back on it as a whole. Last year I wrote about the dream I had which was the turning point in my mourning and life with God which I’ve included here:

BRINGING OUT THE TRUTH

This morning was full of pain and sorrow. The type that isn’t physical but deep rooted into your whole self. It was so rooted in my subconscious that it came out in a dream. Those who understand me know that I have very elaborate dreams that normally have some type of meaning. This morning was no different but it was the most emotional and real dream I’ve had in a VERY long time. I dreamt about my father. It will be 10 years this October since my dad passed away. I have dreamt about him before but it wasn’t to this depth. Normally it’s just about seeing him again and talking with him. Hearing his laugh, seeing him smile, and being able to hold him again.

For those of you who don’t know, it took me 3 years after he died for me to truly mourn him. I saw myself as needing to be the strong one for my mom and sis when he died and I quickly took that role. Just this past Father’s Day I broke down because he isn’t here to celebrate such things anymore. That was the first time I ever broke down that way on a holiday. I’ve cried very minimal about him since he died, excluding the day I first mourned him fully.

In the dream I went back with 2 friends to the house where my father had a heart attack. We were meeting with the landlord because he said he had something to discuss. I was very hesitant to go back to the house but knew it was important. When we arrived I saw that everything we had when my dad was alive, the bedroom sets, dinning room set, dishes, and odds and ends, were still in the house. Apparently in the dream when my mom, my sis, and I left we didn’t take anything with us from the house.

As we went through the house and I remembered living there with my dad, the landlord told me that he had to finally sell the house. He said that it had been sitting long enough and it was time to get everything out. The landlord also said that he hadn’t moved anything because we were still in mourning. He asked what I wanted done with everything and after a moment I told him it all could go. He then began to pack up all the items in my room. I sat on the bed knowing it was time for this but I didn’t want to let go. All I could do was cry as I felt my heart being wretched.

Once he finished with that room he began on the others so that the movers could take everything away. It was the hardest thing to watch what my family and I built be taken away. Finally we left the house and it was raining outside by that time. While the landlord locked up I decided to walk to the car. I had a small book covering my head while the rest of me was drenched. I didn’t care because the pain I felt was too deep. I walked and cried deeper and stronger than I ever have in my life. I sang with such pain, sorrow, and passion that I had to fall on my knees and wrap my arms around myself as I screamed out my emotions.

During this dream my husband was trying to wake me up. He thought I wasn’t breathing because of how I was sounding and how I was reacting physically to the dream. For several more minutes I held onto the dream and then I finally let the dream go, telling him I was breathing, and began to cry openly. I told him how I was dreaming about my dad. As I proceeded to tell him the dream I also shared how I realized that I had been mad at God for allowing my dad to die. I had tried to deny that was how I felt since my mom and sis were mad at God when my dad died. I refused to believe I was also mad at God just as they had been. I always said that I knew my dad died to bring my sis and mom into a relationship with God, as well as later understanding it was to bring me into a relationship with God. But this dream revealed that deep rooted in my pain for the loss of my daddy was my anger towards God.

I believe that’s what rocked me the most about this dream. God was helping me come to terms with how I felt towards him and that it was time to let all of that go. It was time to truly forgive and mourn to the depth of my soul. There has been such a tremendous weight lifted from me since God helped me, through this dream, to realize what has blocked our relationship. I know there are other things that have been stumbling blocks, but this was something I didn’t even realize was so rooted in me. I thanked God for showing me this as well as asked him to forgive me for blaming him, being mad at him, and hating him. I also asked for God to help me forgive myself.

What is great about this entire experience is that I asked God quite some time ago to reveal to me things deep rooted in me that hinder my relationship with him. He did just that at the time he saw fit. He knew this was the time for me to deal with this as well as to share it with others.

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